Maddie Zahm on Deconstruction, Growing Up Queer, and Songwriting as Self-Acceptance

Sounds of Saving talks self-acceptance, artist-fan relationships, and self-care on the road with singer-songwriter Maddie Zahm, who teamed up with Propellor to support SOS on her recenttour.

Raised in Idaho, Maddie Zahm has embarked on a remarkable journey of self-discovery, embracing her queer identity amidst a deeply religious upbringing. Her debut album, Now That I've Been Honest, boldly confronts deconstruction, body image, and sexuality with sincerity and unreserved honesty. On “Where Do All The Good Kids Go?” she reflects on her experiences becoming a youth leader in her Christian church at only thirteen-years-old, singing “I was way too young to lead people to the other side / I thought so much about death I couldn’t live my life.” Her music also resonates with other young LGBTQ+ people who may be growing up in unaffirming communities. In songs like, "If It's Not God," Zahm questions her faith in the lyrics, "All the Sundays I worried I'd disappoint my mom / 'Cause I never understood some types of love being wrong."

Sounds of Saving sat down with Zahm after her show at the 930 Club in Washington, D.C. to talk self-acceptance, artist-fan relationships, and self-care on the road.

‍SOUNDS OF SAVING: First one we've got for you is what is the song that found you at the right time?

MADDIE ZAHM: Oh, I love that question. "Growing Sideways" by Noah Kahan. He's an incredible writer. I was feeling very lost during the time that he released that, and I think that hearing somebody who is even on a bigger scale of doing what I do also having mental health struggles, there was something about it that felt very less lonely, I guess is the best answer. I think sometimes we tend to look at people like that and think like, wow, they're making it, like, so happy for them. But like, we also struggle even in our most exciting times.

SOS: Totally, I love the album. I feel like I can hear notes of him in you, talking to each other and your audience, too.

ZAHM: That makes me so happy. I respect him so much as a human being. It's weird, because we've chatted before, but genuinely I don't think I've ever respected an artist the way that I respect his work. Like he is just, he's incredible.

SOS: What about other artists that you draw inspiration from?

ZAHM: Honestly, a lot of church stuff, which I have just decided that I'm going to own it at this point. I was raised very much listening to Hillsong and Bethel. And when I left the church, I very much missed the music, like I really did. And I felt like I wanted to create music for me and other people to listen to that felt like what it felt like to listen to Lauren Daigle, but without all of the shame and inability to be yourself, you know? Yeah, so I think a lot of church music and Noah Kahan, and then also a lot of indie bands. I love Lucius and anything that makes me feel like I could be in a movie.

SOS: Why did you choose to support [Sounds of Saving]?

ZAHM: I think for me, my music is so emotional and the connection that I have with the people that listen to my music is very different than a regular artist-listener relationship, just because a lot of times they ended up finding me based on like, five of the huge topics that I talked about on my EP. So like, deconstruction, body image, sexuality, all those kinds of things. It's just very deep, so I've been more mindful about making the things that I'm doing and able to do because of the listeners impactful. I think that to not find an organization like [SOS] wouldn't have made sense, you know? It just made more sense to make it mean something because I feel like the people that listen to my music are deserving of having this.

SOS: I think that really like touches at the heart of your music. Speaking of your recent album, Now That I've Been Honest, explores coming out, self-love, and growth. Performing some of these songs now for the first time, what's it like seeing people connect with it?

ZAHM: Oh, my god. F-cking emotional. It's crazy. I genuinely never in my life thought that I would be doing this. And I think that it's been... Here's the thing, I also really struggle with OCD. So, there's a mixture of like, I'm super thankful and excited that it's touched people, but also like a little bit of like, I take things very seriously and I do not take for granted the fact that my music has been a part of that many people's journeys. Like, people are getting tattoos of my music. That is so incredible. But it also comes with a lot of [feeling] like I can't let these people down and I don't want to let these people down. I want to make sure that I'm doing all of the self-growth and the internal work to make sure that I am like a deserving person of having that big of a role in people's life. I think it's been something that I've been thinking a lot about. But it also is very interesting when you release music because with a lot of the stuff that my own touches on, I'm two years past it. And so seeing other people sing it back reminds me of where I was at when I was writing it two years ago. And I can tell that they're in it. So even though I've been very gay for like, years, like, I feel very sure about my sexuality now, hearing people sing it and knowing like, they're definitely in a closeted situationship with their best friend, you know what I mean? It's interesting to watch people exactly where I was two years ago singing it, and it reminds me of why I had to write it.

SOS: Do you feel like it pulls you back into that?

ZAHM: I have to be mindful of that. I'm learning boundaries with myself and music, where if I were to go onstage and sing, "You Might Not Like Her" every night and feel the same emotions that I felt when I wrote it, I don't think mentally I would be in a good place. So, I'm learning how to be able to separate from it sometimes, because it's really difficult for me to do that. There are certain songs where it's way harder to do. Like, "If It's Not God," every time I sing it, I'm back to deconstruction. So, I'm learning the songs where I can allow myself to detach and not feel the intense emotion that I felt when I wrote it, because carrying like 15 or 16 of those songs every night, and unpacking that and feeling the energy that I felt can be a lot. So, I'm really learning how to juggle that.

SOS: Do you have any special self-care things that you do to manage that?

ZAHM: I think my biggest thing has been focusing on the melodies. When I sing "You Might Not Like Her," there are some venues where I can't seal the emotions of writing that and showing my parents when I came out. But there are sometimes where I think about it more as though I'm enjoying the melodies and not the words. I don't know why that is, like, I'm just able to shift into like, 'Oh, this melody is gonna be so fun to sing.' I think about it as a structural song rather than deconstructing and singing every lyric and meaning it. But it's very difficult to detach myself from it, because they're so personal. But also, I think this tour has been so much easier than last year. Last year I was not in a good headspace but this one I've been in a much better headspace. I think it's because the band and the environments that I've been in outside of singing the songs have been so light and airy and free that like, I go on stage, I feel it deeply, but I don't stay there. So as soon as I get off, I'm up. And like, that has been something that I feel like I've really figured out. I think I've only cried a few times on this tour, which is crazy. Last year I was like, very sad, because the songs are really heavy. And I think that's why they mean a lot to people. But also, that's a lot to sing every f-cking show.

SOS: Yeah, a ton. It's obvious that you care not only about the lyrics, but your fans too.

ZAHM: Of course. I just want to be gentle with all of it, because I'm not the poster child for any of it. I really try to eliminate that pressure for myself. Like, I'm not the poster child of leaving the church, I didn't handle it perfectly. There are a lot of interactions that I very much regret. And I'm not the poster child for coming out of the closet, like, I could have done that differently. I think it's just important for my listeners and for everyone around to remember that I was just a person figuring it out, and just because I came to a conclusion that wraps up in a really pretty bow because I'm a songwriter doesn't mean that it was perfect. And it doesn't mean that you should model it after me, because I have a lot of regrets. So, I think accountability has been a huge thing in my life recently, where it's like, I just want to make sure that I am gentle with not only the people that listen to music, but also gentle with the fact that I also have my humanity and I'm allowed to make mistakes.

"I think it's just important for my listeners and for everyone around to remember that I was just a person figuring it out, and just because I came to a conclusion that wraps up in a really pretty bow because I'm a songwriter doesn't mean that it was perfect. Just because my journey was somewhat quick, it's also okay to take time and it's okay to say, "I don't know," and it's okay to be one thing and then change your mind. It's just being a human and there's no need to rush it."

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SOS: Is that the message that you would pass on to your fans? Is there something else that you want to add?

ZAHM: I think the biggest one is that when you're going through all of this, we like to make these things very black and white. I think that a lot of people don't realize the nuances of leaving the church and coming out and struggling with body image and all of that. And I wish, looking back, that I would have given myself the pleasure of time and allowed myself to take the time that I needed to do it right. I think that I felt this innate need to come out very quickly and this innate need to like, unpack and know exactly how I feel about all of it immediately. The biggest thing that I'm learning is that time really does heal everything, and people say it because it's true. It's frustrating and annoying, but I think that I felt this pressure to deconstruct everything about me so quickly, and I wish that I would have taken the scenic route a little bit. I think probably the biggest thing that I would tell people is that just because my journey was somewhat quick, and somewhat, I presented a f-cking EP about it, it's also okay to take time and it's okay to say, "I don't know," and it's okay to be one thing and then change your mind. It's just being a human and there's no need to rush it.